brittany

i miss him.
i miss school.
i miss not having to try to figure out everything thats going on around me.

it feels natural in boston maybe because i became detached and that was honestly easier than feeling anything, but now im back to me, to high school, taken advantage of, ignored out of place. the usual. im not happy and i have no reason not to be so im confused. Being home made me realize how much i missed my friends when i was at school and how much they mean to me. Maybe its that they dont entirely feel the same way thats the problem. I tend to loose touch with people when i get busy or lazy. thats what happened when i was away from school and thats what is happening now. I miss dh with the girls and i miss being able to see them everyday, it feels like home. And when i needed a release from the drama he was there.

putting it out there he was always there to pick up the pieces and make me feel like i was the only one. and now everything should have been even better being in the same place, except its not and now i've lost him completely. i miss him.

i've lost myself, i'm disappointed in myself

Now I remember why I was never able to get up to go to school in the mornings....my bed makes it impossible! I have never slept better in my life than last night and I woke up this morning to the sun shining through my sky light like I always used to. It made me feel amazing to be home. I like being by myself for a little but knowing that I am not alone. I mean come on we couldn't even spend a night without speaking to eachother and thats how it always is. I've really been dreading coming home, not because of the house situation because I ADORE my house and my rents have been pretty decent to me lately, but because I have missed my best friends alot, but haven't spoken to them lately. Its not that I haven't wanted to but anyone who knew me at school knows that I've been changing alot within the past semester. I love my friends to death and I cant wait till everyone gets home but already I know things are going to be different.

A couple of days and I'll be back to partyin with lori in NJ and then on an amazing week to vermont with my best friends. I need it cause i am not ready for it to be over. They know me better than I know myself and I need them around. The week will be one of the most relaxing in my life and I cant wait.

My bags are all sitting next to my bed making me kinda depressed so I figured I'd start unpacking today although I don't quite know where to start. It'll have to wait since all I want to do is sit outside by my pool and relax today. Since no one can tell me not to anymore I think that'll be teh plan. It feels good to be back in my room,but lets see if I can last the 4 months

i can't believe what i just did, maybe i have changed...finally letting it all out to someone i would have never expected

I am high and as usually thinking of everything that has gone on in these past few months. I am unfortunate to say that they seem like a blur. I wish I remembered everything clearly maybe then I wouldn't be so confused about how people turned out to be the way they are to eachother or feelings never quite finished letting go of. Specifically love. This is the first time I am letting out whats in my mind...so forgive me but maybe theres a reason why I am. I'm the flirt, the tease, the hook up, the party girl...when's the last time I've been the girl friend? I don't even think I can remember. If anything this year, I keep missing my chances, screwing up because of things I know I shouldn't do, but cant seem to avoid. I keep asking myself, what the fuck is wrong with me with this stuff....maybe I don't want to be happy, or maybe i'm just scared. To be honest I have a pretty good life, amazing friends, great scene, good family, money, i love my life, but I have always been missing the love aspect besides the couple that I hold on to for to long. Well, maybe thats what this is, I'm holding on to a relationship that began and started too crazy and way too fast, but the chemistry was there. He could kill me with a look thats all it was. I didn't even know how he felt until a couple of weeks ago and after all this time of not speaking. I don't know how to approach it, but everytime I see you I want you and feel it all over again. So here's my choices and seriously I could use the advice...one, go on with the ignorance, the awkward hellos and quick glances and stares, or say how I feel and risk losing you all over again, I mean how many times can you screw up? For me it seems like a shitload. I'm afraid of this summer as being one I know I can have so I take it, because I miss the feeling of being loved and kissed, but I know in my heart it's a relationship built on need rather than want....I'm confused that's the basis, I wish I had fairy tale romance, but its always just tooo complicated. I need to stop fucking up that would help.

"i swear to god i'll never understand how you can stand there straight and tall, and see i'm crying and not do anything at all..."
i'm over it maybe?

back to emerson and back to being completely stressed out. I have way tooo much work to do and have to worry about getting a job at the same time. I don't have a minute to breath except for going to the gym and tuesday and thursday IF i don't have work. Why do i feel weird coming back here? I mean I was sooo excited but now im back and my best friends aren't the way I remebered and it scares me a little. Could we be breaking away all ready? seems weird but it kinda feels like the split is ten times bigger and i'm on the other side. Whatever, its no ones fault but my own, but I need to worry about myself a little bit first and get myself on track. ps. I swear I have ADD i'm going to the doctor cause I can't focus on anything unless I take an adderol or caffeine pill. St.Patricks day is friday and I am soooooooo excited we have such a good time planned and it makes me happy.

I miss allie and lily alot, and my boys. I don't know why but this vacation really hit us hard. But, it also made me realize how much I really do miss them. My the end of saturday night I really wasn't sure if I wanted to even leave...

today my plan is voice lesson,gym,tanning w. faye, shopping w.lori, class, gym, and homework maybe some hangout time?. I like it, its semirelaxing. I have a new obsession with the gym literally. and shopping and tanning just make me happy lol
gotta go loves...

Its 4:15 am exactly and I am pulling a true all nighter. That is just how I work, I've realized I cannot do work when people are awake because all I want to do is be around them. I am just about to really start writing my paper, but there is alot of stuff I need to get down so this may be a very VERY long entry, maybe even two who knows.

I've realized it isn't okay for me to be upset or depressed it only makes the people around me be upset and I let down the people who need me to be there for them. I've thought for a while that I wasn't needed that no one would ever confide in me again like my best friends do at home. And as sad as this sounds, I need people to need me there. It is a big part of who I am and the fact that I will always be there to pick up the pieces and my friends know it, makes me feel better no mader what mood I am in. I am not saying I want my friends to always be upset because believe me, nothing makes me happier than to see them smile. At the same time, to know that they trust in me to confide in and turn to is a big responsibility and one that I like doing. It makes me forget about whatever is wrong in my life and when my friends feel better so do I. So I apologize for being how I was this past week, some of you are more important to me than myself and I truly mean it, you know who you are.

Emerson is stupid. plain and simple pure stupidity. We are judging eachother before we even open our mouths and I am completely included in this don't get me wrong. But, I am finally realizing how ridiculous we are. Truth of the matter is, is that our best friends here we've only known for a couple of months and our "friends" here know even less about us. So how do we decide who we like and who we don't. Its stupid complications and people not caring who they hurt that make this school as full of drama as it is. We think we know eachother so well, but in fact we hardly know what each of us has been through at all. I am not saying that we should just have a free for all lets vent out our life story, but we are just ridiculous for judging and just completely being like we don't like him or her. This is a hard time in college and its the worst time for people to be making conclusions about people they've known for maybe 4 to 5 months. Its not fair to the other person end of story. Worst part about it is, is that this school is so small that everyone find out. There is not a thing you can say here that will not get back to the person you were talking about and its causing way more harm than good. People are getting hurt. My friends are getting hurt, by eachother and it sucks and I hate it. I don't feel the need to be friends with everyone anymore so its not worth trying if I already know people have preconceived notions about me. I have enough people by my side here that are actually truthful that I refuse to deal with the bullshit. So from here on out, thats it. No pretending no bullshit, if you don't like me then let me know. I'd rather know than have someone pretend to be my friend, and believe me half of you have no idea who I am cause you haven't taken the time to know me period. So view me however you want, but don't be fake, we are over high school.

My research writing class is changing my life literally. I know it sounds weird, but we are studying adolescence and the transition from teenagers to young adults and I can't help connect everything to my own life. It has me questioning alot and thinking alot, but I think thats necessary. I don't know who I am yet cause I've changed alot from being at school.

I've come to realize alot this past week and questioned love, faith, hope, and friendship....next entry, time to get back to writing my essay

I can't rely on anyone with the exception of maybe like two or three people. This is soo fucked up and completely manipulative...I never would have thought that you guys would be people who would try to fuck up things to make your own situation better....fuck off honestly i'm sick of it

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I guess a little excited, alot nervous, and maybe a little scared? I'm putting myself in the position to get hurt, but at the same time its the best feeling i've had in a while and i don't mind the possibility of getting hurt. This is the first time I've ever put myself out there with a guy. I think its because I feel so comfortable with him, but at the same time to actually visit may be the weirded experience in the world, and where it leaves us after the weekend? I have absolutely no idea...I think its one of those things that i just have to wait and see

Today is Valentine's day, which usually tends to be one of the worst days for me. Suprisingly, It didn't bother me at all. I felt great with the exception of the horrible stomach ache that I just got. I think I felt good cause I constantly was focusing on something else and I spent the day, beside the online conversations, by myself. I just needed some alone time to think and relax it really did feel amazing.

I get my break in two days...and I have no idea what to expect. For some reason I think its going to be an amazing weekend,I can't wait to get off the plane and I keep smiling just thinking about it...the idea makes me happy

I had my voice lesson with Holly today for the first time this semester and all we did was basically just sit on the couch and talk. I love talking to her, shes amazingly supportive and made me feel alot more confident with myself than I have been lately. I think that I needed to talk to her about the whole musical theatre change because she knows exactly what I went and am still going through. She made me think alot about it and maybe shes right, I just need a break to see if I still love it. Either way it was so easy talking to her about everything...

overall a very good day